Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Crazy Old Bat!!! (and some poop)

So yeah, I know I'm going to Hell.  But, today I am pretty sure the lady a couple of townhouses down is where the term "Crazy Old Bat" came from.  Really!  She is the weed Nazi!  She is the over grown rose bush police!  Even worse, it's not my damn yard!

For a couple of weeks now she keeps telling me to cut my rose bush.  Every time, I have my hands full with groceries, other things I've bought, the diaper bag, the baby.  Every time I tell her "It is not my bush, I can not cut it."  She then informs me that I need to tell my neighbor to take care of her yard.  She lets me know how much it upsets her.  If you are so upset cut it yourself or say something to my neighbor, frankly, I just don't care!

So today and I'm carrying three bags of veggies from Trader Joe's (OK! Fine! I did buy some pot stickers and dark chocolate covered cherries too, sheesh, oh and a bootle of wine and some steaks) and she starts in about the weeds and bushes.  I give a little chuckle and say I'll talk with her.  And she damn near looses touch: "This is serious!  I am deeply distraught!  I am always in my yard, these are TOWNHOUSES! You need to tell her to take care of this because I am getting pretty upset!"  So under my breath I am mumbling "Shut up you stupid, crazy, old bat, good God, can't you see I'm busy."  Instead I smile and say, "Yes, I will talk to her."  She once again tells me this isn't funny, we live in TOWNHOUSES and I better do something.

Whatever!  Talk to your Camaro driving adult son and tell him to do something.  Or even better, do it yourself. Good God, I just don't care.  (See, going to Hell!)  So I shake my head and get the baby out of the car and head in to the house.  She is standing near her HUGE ROSES (She shows me every time I leave the house) just seething.  Now, I know she has nothing else to do but take care of her yard, but man, leave me alone and don't ambush me when my hands are full and I have a baby that needs a nap!

On a happier note:

I found out earlier this week that you can have POOP mailed to people, and it's totally anonymous.  I wanted to send some to my friends future ex-husband, but my husband (AARON!) said no, I was not allowed to pay to have poop mailed to someone.  "What if they deserve it?" I ask.  "No, not even then.  It costs too much to mail poop."  He informs me.  Really, who knew, there is a price limit on poop!  Sheesh!  But here is the best part.  Aside from their website having pictures of animals pooping (way nasty) you can choose cow, elephant or gorilla poo!  Cow is the cheapest and gorilla the most expensive.  There are even pictures showing what each poop bag will look like.  Now for the best part, sorry.  There is a card inside of the bag that the lucky recipient can see and it asks if you want to know who sent you poo.  And they then  will have to open the poop bag, stick their hand in, and pull out the card only to find that "THEY WILL NEVER TELL!"

I mean really, how great is that.  I guess I'm sick, and I know I'm going to Hell as previously stated, but some people just deserve poop!

Have a great day and don't piss me off! Bwa ha ha

Shit, as I proof read this I realize, maybe the Crazy Old Bat needs some.  

(Yeah, yeah, going to Hell! - I know!)


  1. Save me a seat DOWN THERE, because I have a few people I want to send these special deliveries to!!! And maybe the Crazy Old Bat can use it to fertilize her perfect rose bushes...